September 20, 2011

Meet Keith: He Probably Eats Poop.

I recently posted about my raccoon problem.

While thankful the gods have not blessed me with another gift’o’fetus, I have developed a new, budding relationship with Keith, the potentially-Irish teenage raccoon of doom. He’s snarky, rude, dismissive and has clearly eaten one-too-many garbage cakes, if you know what I mean. Bitch could use some of Jose’s help. Jussayin’.

Throughout the summer, many guests of my back porch (heh heh, my back porch) were forced to scramble inside out of fear. The glowing green eyes peering from the roof were daunting, and merely the beginning.  The not-so-little shit would pop out from behind furniture and fearlessly lower himself from the roof, proving he don’t care about nobody.  

Not on my porch, Keith.

Learning quickly that raccoons will do whatever the fuck they want, I decided to make it a little bit more effort for them. Hoping this would encourage them to GTFO my property and find another poor sucker to rub their feces all over. After moving around the furniture (or ‘hide and go seek’ spots that Keith so fondly inhabits), I stacked all of the chairs atop the god-forsaken-fetus-tarp that I’ve been meaning to get rid of…

A couple of days later, I came home after work to this:



You can't see his giant ass 'cuz it's hidden by the pile of chairs.
Note: Fetus-Tarp

Planning on spending some quality sun time on my porch, I quickly got myself into quite a tizzy.  Don’t stand in my way of sunshine and patio time, you rabielicious bum.

Oh! I’m sure you’re wondering why this raccoon has been deemed a “teenager”. Let me enlighten you with the conversations that transpired after discovering him relaxing surrounded by my pile’o’chairs.

Conversations with Keith

Me(Upon discovering raccoon) Hey! What do you think you’re doing!?
Keith: Looks up. Seemingly unalarmed by the raging human.
Me: Did you move all this stuff on your own?
Keith: Stares blankly.
Me: I know you did this. You’ve created a lot of mess here. It’s time for you to leave.
Keith: I’m just going to sit here and stare at you and make loud huffing noises until you let me go back to sleep.
Me: I don’t think so, buddy. It’s after 4pm, you need to get the fuck off my property.
Keith: HISS
Me: Goddammit, Keith.

I had to leave to go to Boot Camp, which meant I was out of the house for about two hours.  Upon my return, I checked the back porch. Guess who decided to get a bit more comfortable?

Me:  You have got to be kidding me. It’s AFTER 7 O’CLOCK!
Keith: Continues to sleep and ignores my yelling.
Me:  HEY! YOU! Under MY roof, you will follow MY rules.  No more sleeping in! No more knocking down my shit! No more hanging out on my porch!
Keith: Looks up at me and stares. Completely unaffected by all of the rules I just schooled him with.
Me: I don’t speak raccoon.  Do you speak piece-of-wood-to-the-face?

I then proceeded to swing the piece of plywood my landlord decided to leave behind on one of his many attempted home-reno projects.  Bear in mind, I was still like 2 meters away from the beast.

Me: No? Do you speak pile-of-chairs-on-your-face?

Cut to me kicking some chairs around like a bloody lunatic.

Keith: Is that all you got bitch? I’m going back to fucking sleep. Come back when you grow some balls.*

*I can only assume he said that, because he then turned his head away from me and nestled it back into the fetus-tarp, returning to his deep, douchey slumber.

I yelled some more stuff about how he’s irresponsible and needs to get his act together, but at this point, he was giving me the ole’ ‘get out of my room’ silent treatment, so I gave up and went back inside.

He eventually left to eat poop or chase children, or whatever it is raccoons do. But I know he’s been back, because he ate my bananas.  But that’s a story for another day.

P.S. If you’re wondering why he’s potentially Irish, you can thank my Roommate.
She explains:

“I met this Irish guy in a bar once. His name was Keith, but he pronounced it ‘Keet’ (because he was Irish). Our conversation went like this:  What's your name? Keet. What? Keet. What? Keet. What? Keet. And so on.
Point being, I think Keith should be an Irish raccoon so I can call him Keet.”


Updated: I do not feed Keith. The bananas were part of a long, sordid, hungover, locked-out of the house adventure.  Another day, folks.


  1. You know, if you treat your raccoons with a little more respect, they will give it right back, in the form of poop offerings in every corner of your porch. Just sayin' I bought my raccoons a pool which they had a ball in and tore to shreds, and then left little thank you poops. So, that was nice.

  2. he is evil because you feed him the evil fruit.
    feed him goji berries

  3. @Kristina Kustra- They shredded your pimp pool!? This is unacceptable. Also: I hear their poop is deadly... FUN FACT

    @ekbewildered- I feel like goji berries would make him live longer. And maybe also more likely to have raccoon pups? We don't need a repeat of last spring. AM I RIGHT GIRLS!?

  4. Priceless... Haitian people would tell you it's not a raccoon but an actual person... You know... All the voodoo and people changing themselves into animals and sh*t... I tell you girl... IT'S A PERSON!!!

  5. I'm going to start feeding them. My view is that it's better to be friends with the unreasonable volume of racoons than have them think you're not cool with them. When the RR (racoon revolution) comes where will you be? Riding the wave or racoon feti, or being devoured beneath it?

  6. ^I love the above comment about thank-you-poops. They're the gift that keep on giving!

    Keith is a pretty sweet name for a raccoon, no lie. This whole entry made me laugh, but I really enjoyed when you said he returned to his "deep, douchey slumber". A phrase I will have to borrow the next time I talk about my cat.

    He may be an ass, but you have to admit that Keith is kind of cute.



  7. @Shane PilgrimHA! He is definitely cute. He knows it and works every angle. (If he was missing half his fur and foaming at the mouth, I would have for sure shit my pants.)

  8. Do you remember the time that we went camping in highschool and we got really quite drunk and then we wanted to go swimming at night so I went into the tent to change but I couldn't find the flashlight, so I did my business in the pitch black and as I was leaving the tent I finally placed my hand on the flashlight, turned it on and lo and behold, there was a raccoon in the tent? It clawed its way in because I (most likely) left chocolate in there? And then one of the corners of your sleeping bag was wet? Well, I never told you this, but seeing as we're on the topic, that's where the raccoon was found. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's a deep regret of mine.

  9. @Kristina KustraHA HA HA. I had a feeling it was raccoon pee. They've been after me for years.
    P.S. I'll never forget you running out of that tent like your ass was on fire. Amazing.

  10. Hey, I found your blog on 20SB and it is HILARIOUS!

    Anyway, let's hope that rascal Keith doesn't bring any ladies over... unless you want "Teen Mom: Raccoons Edition" to become a real thing... (Which makes me wonder, do you think Animal Planet and MTV would collaborate for that?)


  11. Julia- Thanks! Glad you stumbled over here!

    That's amazing. I know a good handful of people that would watch that. (I'm definitely one of them.) But truth be told, we have a new tarp on the backporch and all I see when I look at it is a house for raccoons. And it terrifies me.