Moving sucks balls.
More specifically, trying to find an apartment to move into sucks balls.
On the first of June, my roommate and I have to move out of our tiny, shitty apartment, and so far, we’re up Shitcreek without a fucking paddle. We’ve been on the lookout since March, and to put it bluntly, I might stab the next fucker that shows me a shitty apartment.
At the very least, I will pee on their floor.
Our list of ‘must haves’ is not obscenely long, and, in my opinion, it’s not too demanding. We need doors and closets… and a floor that doesn’t smell like cats/rotting food/feet. I know that sounds pretty luxurious, but what can I say? I’m a pretty fancy lady.
I’ve grown to resent every ad that gets posted. They’re riddled with lies and omissions. People just need to be honest and upfront about the shithole they’re renting.
I decided to write a few ads that seem far more realistic based on my experience and my overactive imagination.
Besides the depressing lack of apartments available, there are a whole slew of other things to keep in mind. Mainly: every motherfucking building in this city has bedbugs, cockroaches and an alcoholic landlord. At best, they have 2 of the 3, and I’m 90% sure that if it doesn’t have all 3, it’s probably haunted with some sort of ninja/deathwish poltergeist. 90% sure, guys. For reals.
Now, somebody bring me a goddamn cocktail and a motherfucking place to live.