May 9, 2012

For Rent! 2 Bedroom Skankden!


Moving sucks balls.
More specifically, trying to find an apartment to move into sucks balls.

On the first of June, my roommate and I have to move out of our tiny, shitty apartment, and so far, we’re up Shitcreek without a fucking paddle. We’ve been on the lookout since March, and to put it bluntly, I might stab the next fucker that shows me a shitty apartment.

At the very least, I will pee on their floor.

Our list of ‘must haves’ is not obscenely long, and, in my opinion, it’s not too demanding. We need doors and closets… and a floor that doesn’t smell like cats/rotting food/feet.  I know that sounds pretty luxurious, but what can I say? I’m a pretty fancy lady.

I’ve grown to resent every ad that gets posted. They’re riddled with lies and omissions. People just need to be honest and upfront about the shithole they’re renting.

I decided to write a few ads that seem far more realistic based on my experience and my overactive imagination. 

Enjoy.
 


 

 


 


Besides the depressing lack of apartments available, there are a whole slew of other things to keep in mind. Mainly: every motherfucking building in this city has bedbugs, cockroaches and an alcoholic landlord.  At best, they have 2 of the 3, and I’m 90% sure that if it doesn’t have all 3, it’s probably haunted with some sort of ninja/deathwish poltergeist. 90% sure, guys. For reals.

Now, somebody bring me a goddamn cocktail and a motherfucking place to live. 
Pronto!



24 comments:

  1. These are freaking amazing. Thank you for making them, they made me laugh.

    Apartment hunting stinks. Really.

    I sometimes want to move but then I'm all "NO" because thinking about trying to find another place to live makes me soooo upset.

    On that note, good luck Britt!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm happy you enjoyed them ;)

      I think you're smart to avoid moving. I would have if my landlord wasn't such a douchewagon.

      Thanks!

      Delete
  2. I actually have had few NON alcoholic landlords. One lived down the street from me and used to call me at 2am looking to see if I needed anything "fixed."

    I have to move soon. I feel your pain. My friend found a wonderful place by putting an ad in the paper about her! She said I'm awesome, responsible, quiet, clean, etc., and this is what I'm looking for - and people contacted her, including someone who had a nice place and didn't want just any old random renter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you need something 'fixed' at 2am? Be honest ;)

      Delete
  3. I'm insane and actually enjoy apartment hunting. I'm also the one that loves moving. I've lived in four different places in 5.5 years and the only reason I've moved out of any of them is just for the fun of it (my friends who help me move the big furniture made me promise this was my last place in Fargo). Once, I packed up all my shit, cleaned my apartment and lived in a research barn for two weeks because I didn't have a place to move into. I rolled with it (and took the next available place).

    I am able to recognize that this is not normal behavior, moving is shitty and hard work, and apartment hunting is stressful. So good luck to you. I'm a huge fan of the "have a cocktail" therapy.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That shit cray.

      Moving is not fun... once you find a place and settle in, MAYBE, but the search? It's stressful with a capital FUCK.

      Delete
  4. I know that burying a St Joseph statue upside down facing the street helps with selling a house, but not sure who the patron saint of apartments might be...

    In the meantime, I'm saying a novena for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you. Maybe I'll bury something in the front porch plant and hope it brings me luck.

      Delete
  5. Oh man that sounds insane... betcha your boyfriend didn't show you a caravan once and say... wouldn't this be a blast... umm a blast... like the sound of your head when I BLAST it off with my bazooka. Why can't ALL accommodation be palaces... one place I lived we had to keep the kitchen light on because if you switched it off the cockroaches would mate in the bread... but it sure was nice having Mexican neighbors who sold hot tamales door to door! Looking for a house SUCKS! Good luck... you sound like you need it.. :( Love Elle xo

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Dear lord. I'd consider a caravan for a week or two, but just for the novelty and because I'd feel totally entitled to yell at people living richly. I'd sit outside of their house, camped out behind the caravan with a PBR and accuse people of abusing our resources.

      Then I'll go back to being a resource abuser and feel like I've lived a little.

      Also: Ew. Cockroaches make my skin crawl. You could totally name a heavy metal band Bread Roach.

      Delete
  6. ugh my friend and i are in the process of apartment hunting. all i gotta say is: fuck dat shit.

    http://challengedromantic.blogspot.com

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  7. Sweet Jesus those ads are brilliant. You really need to look into professional real estate ad writing.

    Good luck with finding another cesspit to habitate.
    If you get stuck, my hubs & I have a motel right on the marina in my fine city. We can put you up for a couple of nights but you gotta buy the airline ticket.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am really thankful that you appreciate my real estate ad writing talent. It means a lot and I look forward to my budding career.

      Thank you so kindly for the offer! It's extremely convenient from Toronto to the marina! Just a hop, skip and blackout drunk plane ride away! I smell a party.

      Delete
  8. Why is everything so horrible? Not that I'm living in paradise over here...currently Diva is freaking out because there is a bug as big as his face crawling on his bed.

    Maybe if you get paid to write real estate blurbs you can make enough money to move up a price bracket and apartments will be less terrifying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bug as big as his face? That makes me want to die a little bit.

      You make a very valid point. I'd better be discovered within the next 2 weeks.

      Delete
  9. Omigod, been there. The last time I moved, I toured an apartment that was perfect--clean, with a nice landlord, easy parking, and lots of natural light. The only problem? The ceilings were *maybe* seven feet. I'm not tall, and I still hit my head on the light fixture in the living room. (Although the landlord did have a sweetass curled handlebar mustache and a glass eye, which almost made up for it. He told me the last person who lived there was a midget.)

    Good luck! May the bugs be ever in someone else's bed! (But not mine.)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'd go apeshit crazy in really low ceilings. I'd probably start to claw at the ceiling when I got drunk. (and we all know that's often enough.)

      Thanks!! FINGERS CROSSED FOR NO BUGS!

      Delete
  10. I HATE MOVING! I HATE LOOKING FOR A NEW PLACE EVEN MORE.
    My fiance and I are looking at houses right now and it can be
    stressful. He wants us to build because I can't find anything that I like.

    Visit my blog: I am having a Scentsy Giveaway right now
    http://happilyeverafter-tiffany.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I had lots of time to look, I actually enjoyed perusing the internet for some good finds. Now that we've got 2 weeks left, I pretty much feel like I'm ready to burst!

      Delete
  11. Sadly, those are pretty much what you're dealing with when apartment hunting. I've been in mine for 2 years and completely lucked out. I'm never moving.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smarrrrrt. Stay put and pray for rent control! ;)

      Delete
  12. just live with me on a park bench in allan gardens.

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  13. It's THE PERFECT place, save the roaches that come out at night and the miscellaneous gunshots you'll hear during the daytime. Also, someone died in the pool two months ago ... and it gets cleaned every three.

    These are hilarious and completely remind of how batshit I went when I was looking for a place. Solidarity, sistah.

    ReplyDelete