June 4, 2012

The Prevention of Shit Bombs


I’m not homeless, bitches!

We’ve moved into our new apartment and so far, it’s fucking awesome. There is so. much. space.

Keep in mind that my roommate and I had been living in a glorified cardboard box for the past 2 years, so our concept of space has been seriously warped. We had a cubicle-sized living room and our hallway had a kitchen in it. Just the idea of having closets was luxurious. And guess what? We have a lot of fucking closets now.

I’ve danced at least twice to celebrate having a linen closet. Don’t even get me started on the broom closet. (No one said I was cool.)

As with any move, there will be a whole slew of things to get used to in the new building; the most notable adjustment will be the pigeons.  In case you were wondering, spending your Saturday morning hungover, scraping pigeon shit off of a balcony using a very potent bleach concoction is not as sexy as you might think.  In related news: what the fuck are pigeons eating that causes them to shit so fucking much?

It’s clear to us that the previous tenants never used the balcony. They obviously neglected it all together, leaving the pigeons to host whatever kind of shit party/feather plucking rave they desire. (Seriously, there were feathers everywhere… and shards of metal. I’m pretty sure they were building some sort of shit-bomb. We stomped on their dreams. You’re welcome, world.)   Soon, we’ll be putting up a net to keep the diseased beasts away, but for now we’ve decided to spend our time yelling at each one that lands on our balcony. (When I say ‘yelling’, I really mean “yell until you realize they don’t give a shit how much you yell, so you decide to go outside and start flailing your limbs around until they get nervous and move to the edge of the balcony and then you start kicking at them until they move to the balcony one unit over so they’re far enough so you can’t reach them, but close enough to mock you with their douchey cooing.”)

Remember that time my roommate suggested we could take over the world with pigeons? This may be the first step, guys. Stay tuned.

In other apartment news, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but we’ve moved to the 24th floor. In case you haven’t been paying attention, that’s fucking high up.  I’m pretty much on top of the world when I sleep.  

My camera takes awesome pictures that make everything look itty bitty.


Being so high up means I have a great vantage point. It’s too bad I retired from my part-time sniper job, because I probably could have gotten a lot of work done from home. (Nothing says ‘dream job’ like snipering (that’s a word) in PJs and a housecoat, am I right, girls!?) Fortunately for me, I’m fully equipped to entertain myself with the second best thing: people watching with binoculars. 

A little back story

Before moving to Toronto, I lived alone in a fifth floor apartment in Montreal. While the view was measly in comparison to that of our latest home, it felt incredibly high up after living in a partial basement, and I was very excited by my newly acquired ability to spy on people. The next time he visited, my dad came equipped with binoculars for my disposal. To say the least, those bitches have gotten a lot of action over the years.

Before you say it, I’ll be the first to admit I’m a total creep. I shamelessly watch people and spend a lot of time listening to other people’s conversations. Naturally, people watching/stalking with binoculars from the 24th floor is exhilarating to me.  With endless amounts of targets in sight, there’s a very real possibility that my sleeping pattern is about to get all sorts of cray cray. Or I’ll get arrested. One of those.

Who knows, maybe I’ll catch a fellow creep binoculating* on me as I binoculate on them.

Yep. How’s that for a sexy sentence to kick off the week? 


You’re welcome.




*Binoculate/binoculating may or may not be real words.

31 comments:

  1. i have a simpson's reference for everything:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpSp85c7FJk

    PS your mtl apt seemed sooo much higher than 5 stories. i'm kinda afraid of your new balcony.

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    1. You should be very, very afraid.
      (We'll tie you to the door knob with a leash to be safe.)

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  2. Congrats that fancy-pants view. I say throw caution to the wind and binoculate the shit out of those around you!

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    1. I think I'm going to do just that! And thanks ;)

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  3. Oh Britt, how I have missed you.

    1) Congrats on the closets. I THOUGHT our apartment had a nice hall closet, then I moved in and found out it's actually the home of the water heater. Major disappointment. I was excited to hang up my guests' coats and shit. DREAMS SHATTERED.

    2) Fuck pigeons. I hate walking around in Toronto sometimes because of the flocks of pigeons everywhere. I am very afraid of birds and it just seems that each time I walk by a flock, they take off STRAIGHT FOR MY HAIR AND EYEBALLS. AAaahhggghhhhh.

    3) My parents have some binocs to stalk their country bumpkin neighbours. They're all "Oh look, George is building a new porch. He's doing it wrong. Let's watch." I imagine creeping in the city is way more fun.

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    1. I HAVE MISSED YOU TOO.

      1)That's bullshit. I hate closets that pretend to be something they're not. Seriously, closet, just be who you are and quit playin'.

      2)Exactly. I've always been weary of pigeons because they intentionally try to fly close to my face and make me look like a twitchy asshat when I walk down the street. What's the point of trying to look fashionable if you're going to walk around looking like the crazy homeless lady by the end of the day anyway?

      3) Way more fun.

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    2. (I really don't try very hard to be fashionable. Just so we're clear.)

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    3. Me either. So yeah, we're clear.

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  4. Get a fake owl for your balcony. we sell them at my work. that'll scare the bitches away. :)

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    1. Or a fake wolf, that would be even cooler.
      Pigeons ain't gunna mess with a wolf!

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    2. EK- Apparently the pigeons get used to them really quick and then get all "Bitch, I don't give a fuck about no owl."

      Laura- A WOLF! Now we're talking!

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  5. I'm positive binoculating is a word.
    I don't understand why previous tenants are so unconcerned with their space. Don't they know you're moving in soon? The previous tenant in my apartment thought it was perfectly acceptable to have bathroom walls made out of mold and kitchen walls made out of grease. They had to basically replace the bathroom walls when we moved in. Why would you live in that kind of health hazard?

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    1. Thank you for supporting my word usage. I knew I could count on you.

      Also, ew. Your kitchen is already barely a kitchen, how could they live with grease walls?? They must have been into some weird shit. Maybe they rubbed their bodies against the wall as they cooked in some sort of kama sutra manner?

      I have no explanation for the mold. That's just nasty.

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  6. Holy shit... a view like that would give me a Megagod complex. Especially with a pair of binoculars. You can watch and judge everyone while they sin AND THEY WOULD NEVER KNOW.
    CONGRATS to you on your new place!

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    1. I already have a Megagod complex, so you know, shit's about to get real.

      Thanks, hombre!

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  7. Be careful up there. Don't get too drunk, and stay away from friends that like to give a little shove when they think they have said something funny.

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    1. OH goodness, tell me about it! With my drinking record, I'm definitely going to have to install some sort of safety mechanism. (And, of course, install some sort of sign that reads "ABSOLUTELY NO NUDGING TO EMPHASIZE YOUR JOKES")

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  8. You never fail to make me chuckle! One time I was on a first date and a pigeon shat on my head. I hate pigeons. Fact. Have you ever seen the kids book, Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus? No? Well do. Love Elle xo

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    1. Uh. No way.
      Is this a British phenomena? Is pigeon bus driving an epidemic?
      ... I always had a feeling...

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  9. Love that photograph. They do that on "Selling LA" and I thought it was a model of LA for the longest time. Couldn't figure out how they made the little people and cars move.

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    1. Ha! Well now you know... it's called "miniature mode" on my camera, but really it's just mimicking the Tilt-Shift camera :)

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  10. I would be way too terrified to go out on a 24th floor balcony! I knew that G liked to people watch from his 3rd floor apartment balcony, but the other night, he took it up a notch. He was pretty drunk and he was standing on his balcony making beeping noises at the cars driving past. It was hilarious.

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    1. Oh, once you have a few drinks it doesn't seem so high ;)

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  11. Very cool! The first thing I'd do on that balcony is drop a penny off and see if I could hit someone walking below. Then, of course, I'd spend the rest of the day waiting for the po po to go all COPS on my punk ass cause I killed a pedestrian with my tomfoolery...

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    1. If you're ever in Toronto, I'm not sure I'd invite you onto my balcony. Nothing personal, but, you know, the po po aren't my friends.

      You're more than welcome in the linen closet, though.

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  12. Other birds that are assholes: seagulls, pelicans, doves (passive agressively).

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    1. SEAGULLS. UGH. The sound they make is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
      Also: Doves? Really?

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  13. I'd binoculate (love this word!) with you if I could. I'm in the 3rd floor in my building but I'm on the 25th floor of my office building in NYC. I'm constantly people watching. It's not creepy at all.

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    1. Not creepy at all! Come binoculate with me!

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  14. If I lived that high up, I would invest in a fancy telescope for optimum spying.

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    1. Very, very, very good suggestion, Ally. I'm going to need to add that to my list.

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