July 12, 2012

Sexual Chairs and Dumb Faces


I’ve been a very bad blogger.

No, that wasn’t a cue for you to get out your paddle and punish me for being neglectful and lazy. Ok, maybe it was, but you’re all the way over on the other side of the internet, so I’ll have to punish myself.

(Side note: Dear god, ‘punish’ sounds so sexual. Much like the words ‘penetrate’ and ‘rub’. I dare you to use all three in a sentence. GO!)


I’ll admit that summer takes away a lot of my normal ‘free time’ that I spend blogging. (read: I actually get off the couch to go outside when it’s nice outside, so I’m not on the computer all the goddamn day.)  I thank you for putting up with my unreliable blogging behaviour. If you’re ever in my neck of the woods, tequila shots are on me. If you show me your boobs.

It will come as no shock to you to hear that I’ve been steadily shaving years off of my liver.  Toronto Pride happened a couple weekends ago, and I think I heard my insides crying while I made sweet love to the porcelain gods and I prayed for sweet salvation. (In other words, I spent a day throwing up street meat and vodka. It was dreamy. I can tell you’re jealous.)

Lots has happened in my world as of late, and I thought I’d make a little list of important mentionables.  Think of this as our personal little update huddle time. No farting please. (Oh god, did I just make a fart joke? I must be rusty.)


10 Things Worth Mentioning (In No Particular Order)


1)      Technology is not indestructible, despite what you may have heard from Arnold Schwarzenegger. While my Blackberry put up a good fight, it eventually had to accept defeat.  (I dropped my Blackberry off of my balcony on the 24th floor. Suffice it to say, it did not survive the fall. WHADDUP iPhone.)

2)      Eating almost an entire carrot cake before bed, will make you have crazy dreams about tremendous poops and breakdancing. Not necessarily in that order.
3)      Instagram brings out your inner hipster, even if you don’t want it to. It’s like the STI of apps. You didn’t want to admit you’re a goddamn whore, but the warts are there, slutpup, so embrace it and move along.

4)      I spend a lot of time in the sun, but I’m still really pasty with the exception of my feet. Fact: Tanned feet will bring all the boys to your yard.

5)      If you tell a Starbucks barista that your name is Brittany, there is a high likeliness she will decide you’re better suited to another name.
Wrong. Try again.



6)      Channing Tatum has the dumbest face of all the faces.

7)      In related dumb face news: Someone decided that Anne Hathaway could sing and pull off a buzzed head. As far as I’m concerned, it was probably dumb Channing’s face who made that call. Regardless, she shat all over my favourite musical of all time. Seriously guys, the world might be over.  Stay tuned.

8)      Shopping in the USA is ridiculous. All of the allegations of Target’s almighty power were not even remotely hyperbolized. I was so tantalized by the deals I may or may not have purchased a solar-activated waiving Queen. Don’t judge.

9)      Don’t tell your dental hygienist you work in investments. You will have to sit there and hear about her investment decisions and you can’t do a goddamn thing about it because the bitch has her hands so far in your mouth, she may as well be filming it to make a profit.  In related news: investments are boring, but dentist chairs are very sexual. Who knew?

10)  Banana popsicles were sent to earth by the Gods of Mouthgasms.  Now I just need to find a way to add vodka to them. Please provide suggestions below.



I have lots of catching up to do on your wonderful blogs. I hope that you will remain patient with me and my douchebaggery. I promise to be much more reliable in the near future. There is just far too much sangria to be consumed and not nearly enough hours in the day to do so.


A small piece of advice: Vodkarade is your friend. Until it’s not.


CHEERS!

34 comments:

  1. Whoever decided to punish you by withholding vodka-banana recipes is a doucheface, so I decided to search the Internet for such a recipe; however, as the realization that no such recipe exists penetrated my mind, I rubbed my vodka bottle in frustration.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 I appreciate your efforts. It's shocking how little useful information there is regarding banana vodkapops.

      ... I must go coin that term. And then invent the product.

      Delete
  2. Street meat sounds quite sexual, too.
    "Punish the street meat to penetrate the... rub".
    Fuck.
    "Rub the street meat to rub and penetrate the chair."
    That's all I got.
    I wonder if taking a frozen banana and soaking it in ice cold vodka would create a banana vodsicle. Could be worth a shot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Street meat is absolutely sexual.

      Fine effort, fair lady. Thank you for sexualizing my comments.

      Have you ever tasted a frozen banana? It tastes like sadness. I'm afraid vodka might not even cure that, but I'm thinking it might be work a try!

      Delete
    2. You know, I have not tried a frozen banana before, come to think of it. Though, if I were to attemt something like that, I would probably already be drunk, and everything tastes great when you're drunk. Except the things that are gross. Fuck those things.
      On second thought, yeah, it probably wouldn't be very good. I would suggest maybe smooshing a banana popsicle and mixing it with vodka for a banana vodka slushee. I bet that tastes good.
      WAIT.... with FLAVORED vodka, like strawberry, or cake. OMG.

      Delete
    3. WTF, there is cake flavoured vodka and no one told me? W.T.F.?!?

      Delete
    4. SERIOUSLY... it is so damn tasty.
      A bar tender once used me as a guinea pig and had me try an orange juice and cake vodka screwdriver. I swear, I heard angels climaxing when I drank it. So. Fucking. Good.

      Delete
    5. I can support the argument that it's BALLS TO THE WALLS delicious.

      it's like... a gift from the heavens. Much like banana popsicles.

      Fuck now I need both of those things in my mouth, STAT.

      Delete
  3. Number 5. Number 6. Number 10.

    I just have to make note of those three because they are amazing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They think you're pretty amazing too. So, you know, the feeling's mutual.

      Delete
  4. My feet are also my only tanned part.

    BUT HEY:

    I might actually be in Toronto on August 2nd. I have another blogger friend from TO (that I've never met outside the internets) who wants to meet up and grab a drink. You interested? The three of us together (well, I imagine The Prince will be kicking around with me that day, so maybe him too) might be the best "blogger meet-up" ever.

    Lemme know: aprinceandprozac@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TANNED FEET UNITE!

      I'm going to e-mail you. Sexy blog meet up!

      Delete
  5. I'm new here, but I just thought I should let you know that you had me at "Channing Tatum has the dumbest face of all the faces."

    bwhahahaha.

    Sometimes I find him good looking (at the right angle). Other times... not so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome! And I'm so glad to have a fellow Channing-Tatum-Has-The-Dumbest-Face club member. (It's a club, in case I forgot to mention that.)

      He's definitely pretty, but he just looks like a goddamn fool.

      Delete
    2. I forgot to add a hearty WOOT WOOT for Toronto Pride and fellow Canadianism.

      And I need that flippin' vodka!

      Delete
    3. Woooooooooooo! CA-NA-DA!

      Delete
  6. What the straight skull fuck? Blogger ate my comment. Boo. Selfish bastard. Either that or your blog finds me so offensive I'm being censored. Here is what (I think) I (tried) to say:

    I was just talking about booze popcicles last night! Sadly, booze doesn't like to freeze. I think you'd have to go the pudding pop route, substituting vodka and half and half for the milk, and using a little less liquid than recomended. Fortunately, pudding pops are fan-fucking-tastic and pudding mix comes in banana flavor.

    As to your word jumble, it made me think of side-boob. (Which made me think of jumblies, which made me call it a jumble. Sense. I make it.) Not sure why it made me think of side-boob, though. I probably just wanted an excuse to think about side-boob (seriously, it can be pretty damn sexy sometimes). As such, here is my submission:
    "When I think about side-boob, it penetrates my brain until I want to rub myself so much it almost feels like punishment." I modified the last word. I hope you can forgive me. There is some side-boob in it for you, if you can.

    Speaking of which! If I make it to your neck of the woods, you would be lucky not to see my boobs. Seriously. I don't mean to sound like a tramp (I prefer to just act like one), but I love flashing my boobs. It is a goddamn miracle they aren't on the internet. (Hell, they probably are, but I don't know about it--so close enough.) I sometimes wonder if I have an additional breathing mechanism in there, because I swear there are few things as refreshing as whipping the girls out at an inappropriate moment. I will still take the tequila, though. Tequila stories are the best stories.

    P.S. I am glad you are back. My withdrawal was approaching terminal status.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OKAY, I need to apologize on behalf of Blogger (asshole). I found your comments stacked up in the spam section. I am very very happy you took the time to re-write this wonderful comment.

      Moving along...

      I'm FREAKING in love with your word jumble challenge submission. I might need to reward you.

      I also might need to marry you based on your pudding pop idea. That's a freaking amazeballs idea. Banana pudding is almost as delicious as side boob.

      For your side boob alone, you deserve plentiful tequila shots. Let me know when you're in town.

      Delete
    2. Yay! I am glad blogger didn't eat them entirely. (I am also glad I quit fighting with blogger when I did. There is some number of times of submitting a comment when it goes beyond persistent/appropriately confused at what blogger is doing and moves into stalker/slow in an unfortunate way.)

      The only problem I see is that while tequila and side boob go spectacularly well together, and banana pudding and side boob go spectacularly well together...tequila and banana pudding, not so much.

      Delete
  7. Melt banana popsicles, mix them with vodka, pour into a popsicle mould, freeze, then enjoy. The alcohol content has to be fairly low for it to freeze. Alternatively, purchase a banana-flavoured slurpee (they exist!) and add vodka.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH MAN! I have been planning the slurpee approach for awhile now. I'm afraid you may be right about the alcohol/freeze science aspect. Honestly, even if it's room temperature vodka and banana popsicle melt, I'd probably still enjoy it just as much.

      Thanks for the protips! :)

      Delete
  8. I'm tempted to test your carrot cake statement, mainly just to have a good reason to eat an entire carrot cake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a very valid reason to test a statement.

      Delete
  9. After a splinter penetrated my skin, I punished the deck by rubbing stain into the boards.
    You're welcome.

    I'm trying not to judge your instagram photo, Sabrina. It's mostly unsuccessful.

    Pour vodka in cup. Stick unwrapped popsicle upside-down in cup. Stick in freezer for a while. Eat. Or: Punish your popsicle by penetrating a cup of vodka with it before rubbing it on your tongue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judge away, bitch. I can take it. I'm an official hipster now, so, you know, I don't care what anyone thinks because I'm too cool for motherfucking school.

      Fantastic advice on the popsicle front. I may as well just sip vodka while I suck on a popsicle. Classy AND efficient.

      Delete
  10. I was literally raising a glass of Vodka-gatorade to my lips as I read this and then though.. Nope... I'll be punished if this liquid penetrates my lips, though I really want to drink it, and there's the rub.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant. Thank you for that.
      Vodkarade can be a godsent, depending on how fast you chug it to keep it away from the security guards at a concert. Then maybe not so much.

      Delete
  11. I WANT TO SEE PICS OF THIS SOLAR-ACTIVATED WAIVING QUEEN. Though I think you may have meant "waving", unless like, she is renouncing some laws or fees or something. Which would be cool.

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    Replies
    1. I DID mean waving. I wish she was renouncing some laws... that would make it much more political and sexy.

      http://www.geekalerts.com/u/Kikkerland-Jubilee-Commemorative-Limited-Edition-Solar-Queen.jpg

      There she is, in all her glory!

      Delete
  12. Hey Sabrina! I am not sure if you've noticed this yet but Anne Hathaway kind of looks like this http://www.amazon.com/Just-Bed-Little-Critter-Pictureback/dp/0307119408. Creepy little thing, but I wouldn't mind having her breasts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sweet Jesus, I just got so excited. A) Little Critters needs to be referenced more on a daily basis B) SHE DOES!

      Yea, bitch has good breasts. I figure it's to make up for her face.

      Delete
  13. Ummmm...I get it...I so get it! Heard about your blog through the Prince and Prozac...I'm a fellow Torontonian, yo! We might be meeting up in August. How cool would that be? Looking forward to checking out your blog and posts to learn more about you. Cheers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi! I heard I might be meeting another blogger! Exciting indeed :)

      WHADDUP CANADIAN BLOG POWER

      Delete
    2. P.S. Your blog is lovely. Please excuse all of my profanity. Hahaha

      Delete