January 25, 2013

A Lot of People Google Tits and Booty.


Guys! 
If you’re still out there- there’s something I need to tell you.

I’m not dead. 

I also want to assure you that I’m not in a vegetative state where my fingers stopped working and my brain stopped producing funnies.  I still produce funnies. Although there’s nothing funny about being in a vegetative state, so I take that part back.

This is not going as I’d hoped.

Let’s put it this way: I’m balls-deep in life stuff.

I know you don’t want to hear my excuses, but too fucking bad. 

Here they are:

1-     I got a new job. A real job. A job that allows for very little blogging-while-working-but-I’m-not-really-working-but-don’t-tell-my-boss time.  Upside? I make more money and I get to intimidate the fuck out of people…but I’ll admit that I miss you guys. You helped me get through some pretty bleak times and writing this blog at work at home was a fantastic fucking waste of time. 
2-      I am back at school.  Yes. You heard me. School. Yours truly is back on campus, playing flip cup, beer pong and banging all the frat boys from here to Nantucket!*

*I’m not doing any of those things. Being in night school is like going to an Overeater’s Anonymous meeting in a church basement - full of greasy weirdoes and no motherfucking cookies. I’m totally up for a game of flip cup, though, guys. BRING IT. 

3-     I’m in, what some may call, a “serious” relationship.  Despite wanting to throat punch whoever coined the term ‘serious’ when it pertains to relationships, I will embrace the term because this is serious. fucking. business. Love is a whole lot of crazy, guys.  I know this blog isn’t here for me to ramble on about the perfect love of my life, but you know what? She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, so deal with it. I’m talking about it.  I never expected to get so engulfed in someone. ever. But here I am. (Read: I’m too busy having sex and cuddling to write blog posts.)


I promise that I do still creep through your blogs to catch up and giggle. Although I haven’t completely disappeared, to those of you asking Where the FUCK have you been, Skank!? You now have your answer.  

I’m sorry that I cannot tickle your tonsils and diaphragms with my wit and charm like I used to (let me have that), however, I sincerely appreciate all of your encouragement and perversion over the course of this whole blogging experience. 


You guys are the motherfucking tits.



P.S. I also got my driver's license. After 10 years of procrastination. Watch the fuck out, world. Mama's gunna run you over.

12 comments:

  1. Oh snap, Fuck Yeah!!
    Congrats to you on all of these wonderful things. And so far as charming, perverted folk go, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ONE OF MY FAVOURITES.

      Delete
  2. Look, the important thing is, ah, I forget. Good luck with your life stuff though. And the doing of those things. Those things that need to get done in life an stuff. Those things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those things are things that need to get done.
      Agreed.

      Delete
  3. "*I’m not doing any of those things. Being in night school is like going to an Overeater’s Anonymous meeting in a church basement - full of greasy weirdoes and no motherfucking cookies." SO.FUCKING.TRUE!!!!

    I hate it! I want cookies dammit!

    Also, live life. And don't apologize for doing it!

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    Replies
    1. There should just always be motherfucking cookies. That should be a life rule.

      Delete
  4. Should I send cookies? I feel like I should send cookies.

    Look at you, making life your bitch. Congrats BFF!

    Also, number 3 was rather nauseating but also terrific.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG. Send cookies! I want Pace cookies in my mouth.
      (That sounded way more sexual than I intended.)

      THANKS! (re: #3) I hope you puked in your mouth a little bit. That's always a goal of mine.

      Delete
  5. I'm glad you aren't dead or turned into a zombie and can't remember how to blog! And yay for more money!

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  6. You have been biz! Congrats on the new job. And nice to know you're not in a vegetative state ;-)
    Have you heard from Elise? Worried about her. I emailed but got no response. And her blog is so not happening lately. Anyways...enjoy your new love as well. Hope she's awesome!

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    Replies
    1. :) Thanks! I have been busy, but it's been really great.

      I spoke to her a little while ago! I think she's settling in to the move, etc. Still alive, as far as I know!!

      Delete